Sincerely Shalina

I was not doing well yesterday (or the day before, for that matter). I felt really hungry and unsatisfied with “healthy” stuff. I ate too much and didn’t even feel anxious about it. Holy crap! It’s during these times that I normally would throw in the towel and say screw this! The rebellious side of me totally wants to quit. But you know what?! I’ve already wasted too much time being lazy and giving up. If I would have started this plan a year ago and stuck to it, I’d be at my goal weight right now. That means a year from now, I can either be thankful that I stuck to it OR I can kick myself really hard in the shin cause I was lazy and dumb and wasted even MORE time.

I’d like to be 27 and 160-ish lbs, thank you very much.

It’s really hard to avoid superficiality. I’ve (obviously) been thinking a lot about the prospect of being at a healthy weight again. I know I’ll never have the 16 year old body I once had. 10 years have passed and my body has changed drastically. There are those things I can control (diet and exercise) and there are the things I can’t control, like the scars left on my skin. Even when I lose the weight, the scars will still be there. I can choose to hate them or I can see them as a reminder of a challenging, yet rewarding phase of my life. I look back on this time with a foggy memory – as if I had some sort of confused-goggles on. I don’t feel angry and I don’t regret it. It was all worth it in the end.

I was 18 years old when I took a pregnancy test in my parents house, my boyfriend waiting outside the bathroom door. We were home alone, something we’d only recently been given permission to do. After all, we were children. We grew up together. He was my childhood “boyfriend” and we started officially dating when I was 16 years old. We’d had a pretty rough relationship up until this point. Very passion-filled during the good times and the bad. Lots of love, some unnecessary guilt, many fights and not enough space to breath. I came out of the bathroom crying, showing him the two red lines. We went to the hospital to get a blood test and they confirmed the pregnancy. There wasn’t a second thought about keeping the baby. Even if we’d given ourselves the choice, we would have never chosen the alternative.

We were raised that marriage was necessary in this situation, so we followed suit and planned a (shot gun) winter wedding in under 3 months. After we were married, we couldn’t afford to move out on our own, so we lived at my dad’s house. My time consisted of cleaning, crying, doctor’s appointments, enjoying the feeling of something growing inside of me, morning sickness, organizing, setting up the baby’s room, sewing, watching movies, and working temp jobs off and on. My husband spent his time in fire school and working night shift in the critical care unit at a hospital. He’d had his mind set on becoming a firefighter since he was a kid. He worked very hard to get there, too, which left very little time for him to be home. The relationship continued in the direction it had been heading, which wasn’t a good place. We grew further and further apart, putting up walls and building resentment. When I look back on it now, I see that we got married before we had even grown into ourselves. The choice wasn’t there. As I said before, we were just “following suit”. As time passed, we were becoming two totally different people who didn’t fit together. At such a young age, we simply didn’t know how to react to that. The outcome was a lot of hurtful words and actions that couldn’t be erased.

On June 9, 2003 at around 8am, we arrived at Alta Bates Medical Center in Berkeley, where I was induced into labor. Two and a half hours later and – due to the short labor – without the option of an epidural, I gave birth to an 8 lb, 5 oz healthy little girl. The pain was extremely intense, but I look back on that day with very positive feelings. I was proud of myself and overjoyed to finally meet my daughter, Katie Sue.

When Katie was about 6 months old, we moved into our first apartment. After a very rocky year or so, we separated for a few months. Then in an effort to try to “make things work”, we moved back into a house together. We did have some good times as a family (these will always be treasured memories) but as time passed, the bad started to outweigh the good. It wasn’t a healthy place to be. In June 2005, I decided the best thing was to move out. Our divorce finalized in November 2006.

I can honestly say, I’m glad we gave it a shot. I would’ve always wondered if it would have worked and I’m glad I have my answer. He’s a very special person to me, even now. I talk to him often and we share our lives with each other. I know he cares about me and I care about him deeply. He’s family. He’s just not the man for me.

(He did end up getting his dream job as a Firefighter/Paramedic. I’m very proud of him and I know Katie is too!)

Fast forward a few years. Katie is 7 now. She’s a beautiful, creative, independent, outgoing and loving little girl. Finding the words to describe the love I have for her is impossible. I’ve tried. I don’t have the guy I married or the body I had at the age of 16, but I do have Katie! Something I would never have had if I didn’t push through this time of my life. It was worth the pain, frustration, sadness and scars because the happiness she brings me outweighs all of it.

I’ve never had the desire to scare myself. Did you know people actually choose to watch horror films to freak themselves out?! I’ve denied many invites to watch movies simply because the preview gave me nightmares! I avoid these and many other terrifying situations at all cost. The feeling of being afraid has always triggered a very negative, anxious feeling in me – a feeling I would rather not deal with.

Recently, the thought crossed my mind that these terrifying situations might not actually hurt me. Maybe I’m being a bit too cautious? I wonder what would happen if I purposely walked directly into a situation that I fear? Most likely nothing. And most likely the fear would lessen and possibly diminish.

Example 1: A couple weekends ago, I went on a camping trip with 14 of my friends. The first night I arrived, 3 guys were going on a “night hike”. It was an open invitation and even though part of me felt bad that I might slow them down, I accepted. Normally, even the thought of going on a night hike (literally, everyone else had gone to bed) in a pitch black forest at an elevation of over 7,000 feet would have triggered a ridiculous amount of anxiety, but I felt a need to go. We ended up at the top of a huge rock, watching for shooting-stars and talking about light-years. How non-scary is that? I guess my confidence heightened drastically at that point because about 20 minutes later, after walking back into the thick forest, I told the guys to turn off their flashlights so I could walk into the pitch blackness by myself. It only lasted about 20 ft, when I started to imagine a huge bear attacking me, but I was very proud of myself (and admittedly a bit high on adrenaline. Oh – maybe that’s why people do it?) Back at camp, I successfully slept 2 nights in a tent all by myself. That’s a first for me!

Example 2: I recently attended a wedding at a ranch that is said to be haunted. I guess a little boy died in the attic of the old farm house way back in the day and has been “seen” multiple times by the family that currently lives there. Again, I had a strong (and totally abnormal, for me) desire to go looking for him! As soon as the sun went down and everyone was inside dancing, I took off on my own to walk the perimeter of the property. All I felt was the crisp, cool air and all I saw was the beautiful fields and orchards lit up by the moonlight. I actually felt at peace. Later that night, I talked a friend into going all the way up to the attic to try to “find the boy”. Again, nothing.

My point, you ask? Sometimes I think social situations scare me even more than the above. I have these thoughts that I assume people are thinking of me when I walk into a room. Like (and this one’s a broken record), Wow. She’s gained a lot of weight! I let this run through my mind over and over until I either leave or I sit extremely uncomfortably for the length of the visit. Fact is, they probably don’t care enough to think that OR they do think it but it doesn’t change how they feel about me. It’s only weight! I could choose to be the same confident person I am when I’m thinner and enjoy myself just the same. There are things I want to do and people I want to meet – yet, my insecurities creep in and paralyze me. I need to face this head-on like the dark forest or the ghost-boy.

I am thankful I’m on this weight loss journey and I know I will benefit greatly on so many levels in the end, but I want to enjoy life NOW. There’s no point in waiting. I want to challenge myself and face some of these fears I’ve been avoiding. I want to dance at a wedding reception and not care who’s watching me. Or walk up to an interesting fellow and say “hi” without wondering how painful the rejection will be. I know things don’t change over night, but I’m hoping that getting this out in words will push me in the right direction.

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Here’s the amazing group of friends I went camping with, by the way. Aren’t they lovely?

I’m on day 4 and of course the weight loss isn’t noticeable yet. I’ve had a few moments of panic and frustration already but I’m pushing through. It would be easy to get impatient (I’m sure I’ll have plenty of these moments) but I’m noticing some other immediate changes. I feel better. I’m not sick from eating too much. I’m not guilty for eating too much and ignoring my weight gain. Someone who had no idea I was even doing this asked me if I’ve lost weight recently. I laughed and said “No, but thank you!” I’m convinced the change is in my attitude and in turn, the way I carry myself. I’m already gaining confidence in the knowledge that I can do this! I’m even wearing tank tops without a sweater over them. If you know me, this has not been happening since my recent 40 lbs-ish weight gain. Admittedly, it was a little nerve wracking going strapless in my “before” photos. I figure… this is who I am right now! Everyone has seen me and there’s no point to try to hide it. I’m making positive changes and that’s what matters, right? Plus, it’s just way too flippin’ hot outside to wear all those layers!